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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29976732">sacred new beginnings</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/roselore/pseuds/roselore'>roselore</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Time Skips, Very Sentimental, cornelia street au, lots of feelings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:49:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,338</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29976732</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/roselore/pseuds/roselore</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“What are you afraid of, Jaehyunnie?”</p><p>Jaehyun knows the answer even before he can think about the question, before his mouth speaks it into the space between them. He knows it even if Taeyong doesn’t ask. He’s always known.</p><p>“You, walking away from all of this, from me.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>sacred new beginnings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i’ve been wanting to write this fic for so long but i wasn’t sure if i can properly pull it off since it’s angst and the song rly means a lot to me but i’m glad i can finally put out a work out of it. the song is originally written from a one-person pov but in this fic, i made it both of theirs for the sake of the plot. anyway, i sincerely hope you enjoy it as much as i did.</p><p>listen to the live acoustic version <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vgt1d3eAm7A">here.</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jung Jaehyun found his true love in the downtown neighborhood of Nam District, Ulsan. It’s a city that’s not even his and yet he’s never felt more truly at home before.</p><p>He fell in love with the city, or maybe he’s not really in love with it, but to the man who reminds him so much of this city, of Samsan Street, of this place he’s been calling his home for the past months.</p><p>It’s mystifying to him how a city can resemble so much of the person he’s thinking of loving for the rest of his life, how a city can have a heartbeat and the warmest of touch. How every time he thinks of Ulsan, it’s not the tall skyscrapers or the breathtaking nighttime sceneries or even the fascinating piers the city boasts about that comes to his mind first, but rather Lee Taeyong.</p><p>Everything about Ulsan screams Taeyong, Taeyong, <em>Taeyong.</em></p><p>It’s a simple fact and is not supposed to be disarming, after all he only drives for miles each time just to come to Taeyong’s place and doesn’t really have a concrete attachment with the city itself, so it’s only natural that he relates everything about it to the man.</p><p>But somewhere along the way of being in love with Lee Taeyong and his ability to make Jaehyun feel alive than he’s ever been, Jaehyun has come to associate Ulsan as his home more than his own hometown. It’s scary and he’s terrified. It’s an alien emotion to feel and somewhere deeper along the way, he’s come to realize that the kind of love he has for Taeyong is something that’s utterly irrevocable, it’s a one-way road and there’s no going back from this. It’s the kind of love that he’ll never be able to recover from once it’s gone.</p><p>“I’m scared, Jaehyun,” Taeyong says barely above a whisper, his voice a low rumble.</p><p>Down here, inside Taeyong’s apartment, under the sheets and each other’s devoted gazes, it feels like nothing can ever hurt or separate them, not even Taeyong’s ambitions. Up close, Taeyong is nothing but a living rendition of the word ethereal, flaws and demons and all.</p><p>“What are you scared of?”</p><p>Taeyong’s eyes are big and stripped down to their barest only for him. “The what-ifs, Jae. What if I won’t be able to go to Seoul? What if I won’t make it? What if I’m not enough for a dream that’s as grandiose as mine? What if my capabilities are just all in my head and that I’m not deserving of it after all?”</p><p>“Wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong,” he smiles, crinkly. “The sky’s the limit when it comes to you, Yong. Believe me when I say that nothing or no one can ever stop you from achieving your dreams, not even me.”</p><p>Taeyong smiles back and caresses Jaehyun’s cheek as a silent gratitude. He doesn’t deny what Jaehyun had told him and he would be lying if he says it doesn’t pain him, but he pushes past through that hurt and tightens his hold on the small of the other’s waist.</p><p>“What are you afraid of, Jaehyunnie?”</p><p>Jaehyun knows the answer even before he can think about the question, before his mouth speaks it into the space between them. He knows it even if Taeyong doesn’t ask. He’s always known.</p><p>“You, walking away from all of this, from <em>me</em>.”</p><p>Taeyong suddenly stops his gentle ministrations on Jaehyun’s cheek, his hand momentarily gaining a weight against his skin and his eyes harden before it softens back. Jaehyun feels his palm press home.</p><p>“I won’t. I promise, baby.”</p><p>He doesn’t say anything in return, just pulls the older by the waist to keep him flushed against his own chest, landing a sincere kiss to his forehead.</p><p>Jaehyun wonders if the kind of love that they have for each other is something that’s strong enough to withhold the infamous belief that promises are meant to be broken because then if it isn’t, he’ll never be able to look at Ulsan the same way again. He’ll never think of it the same way, never <em>feel </em>it again the same way.</p><p>Ulsan — the city that screams Taeyong’s name from its grandest representation down to every nooks and crannies of its whole entirety, the city that has become his home because it’s Taeyong’s home as well.</p><p>If their love somehow falls a victim to such cruel fate, Jaehyun suspects he’ll never be able to walk the streets of Ulsan again.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Lee Taeyong was born to have the whole world be at the mercy of his feet, Jaehyun thinks the second his gaze settled on the man.</p><p>Standing front row amidst the sea of crowd under a blanket of charcoal skies, Jaehyun feels small and inconsequential. But that’s the least of his concern, because in that moment as his gaze is locked solely on the stage, he’s so ready to bring himself to his knees for the performer.</p><p>Lithe but powerful body is moving gracefully on the stage along with the beat of the music, the theatrical smoke and the blinding lights behind creating a silhouette that makes him seem like a mystery, like a fairytale creature that Jaehyun has only seen in his dreams. Yet seeing Taeyong now, breathing a few feet from him and dancing and becoming one with his art, none of those fictitious dreams come close to the reality he’s faced with, it’s so much more enchanting and magical.</p><p>Lee Taeyong is.</p><p>“Be careful,” Johnny, Taeyong’s cousin, apprises to him like a warning. “If I have something that I should let you know as early as now, it’s that he doesn’t stick around with anyone. He won’t.”</p><p>“Then I’ll just have to make the most out of the time we’ll spend together. I’m going to be fine, John. It’s not like I’m aiming for something that’s gonna go for the long run either. I want him.”</p><p>That night, he learns that Lee Taeyong is not just the most beautiful person he’s ever laid his eyes on but he’s also a menace and he’s going for Jaehyun’s throat.</p><p>Taeyong brings them home to his small studio and kisses Jaehyun like his life depends on it as soon as the taller backed him up against the door. They fuck through the night and when dawn seeps through the dark skies, Taeyong drags him outside and he assumes it’s his very odd way to get rid of him after a hook up, only to find out that he just wanted to grab food because it’s totally a normal occurrence to eat breakfast at the crack of dawn.</p><p>What is supposed to be a quick bite turns into a full-on date which involves a lot of making out in the backseats of Jaehyun’s car and shy, flitting touches shared between them as if they didn’t do much more indecent things the night prior.</p><p>The car is parked on the wharf directly facing the sea and the windows are rolled down to let the fresh breeze permeate through their sleep-deprived senses. Ulsan is famous for its large industrial ports and Jaehyun’s ecstatic to see the beautiful view firsthand with an equally beautiful man beside him. They wait for the sun to finally come alight and bring much needed warmth over a shared tub of ice cream. It’s quite contradicting.</p><p>“So Jaehyun, what do you do?”</p><p>“I’m an accountant for a private firm in Pohang,” he replies.</p><p>Taeyong raises an eyebrow, astonished. “Accountant, huh. Nice. That’s sexy, if I may add.”</p><p>“Which part of being an accountant do you find sexy exactly?” he snorts. “Staring at numbers for the whole day? Developing a lifelong migraine by creating financial statements for the company and ensuring regulatory compliance with relevant laws and regulations at all times?”</p><p>Taeyong scoops from the tub and pops the plastic spoon in his mouth nonchalantly. “Well, allow me to rephrase, accounting is <em>not </em>sexy but <em>you </em>are. You make it seem like a sexy job. How’s that?”</p><p>“Better,” he chuckles. “What about you?”</p><p>“It’s not as sexy as yours and I don’t have a full-time job actually, but I take occasional gigs offered to me. You know, when they need me to perform for a show or choreograph some dance routines.” Taeyong’s cheeks are dusted with pinks and he looks quite bashful.</p><p>“That’s amazing,” Jaehyun comments, sincere.</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Why the hell not, Taeyong? Fuck nine-to-five jobs, really. If you’re having the time of your life doing what you do, then that’s all that matters, right?”</p><p>He’s rewarded with a stunning smile from Taeyong who dives in hastily to capture his lips in an ardent but swift kiss. He tastes very much like the mint chocolate they’re sharing right now and Jaehyun wouldn’t have it any other way.</p><p>“So what brings you here in Ulsan?” Taeyong asks as he sticks his thumb on the corner of Jaehyun’s lip that got smeared with the ice cream when they kissed and gently flicks at the sticky spot.</p><p>“It’s destiny, babe. I was pulled by an irresistible divine power so that we can finally cross paths and fulfill what’s written in the stars for us,” he teases cheekily.</p><p>“Oh my god, we’re not even done with the first date and you’re already attacking me with the cheesy stuff. Do you not want this to work?” the smaller deadpans.</p><p>“Okay, I was kidding,” he laughs and sits up straighter in his seat. “Johnny and the others wanted to support you on your show and I happened to be free <em>and </em>I was curious about you so I tagged along. At this point, I’m surprised we haven’t met before considering how many mutual friends we have.”</p><p>“I see. That’s probably Johnny’s fault, he’s quite protective. Pohang’s quite far though, do you think I was worth the ride?” It’s a lighthearted question meant for unabashed flirting, but he can see the warm flush on Taeyong’s cheeks and the pronounced reflection in his eyes, as if expectant.</p><p>“The best decision ever,” he says gently but with enough emphasis to relay his sincerity, as if Taeyong is a God whom he needs to praise his prayers to in devoutness. “You were amazing, Taeyong. And I don’t mean that only about your performance, either.”</p><p>“Thanks.” Taeyong looks down on his hands like a child would, a shy smile on his lips.</p><p>They sit in silence for a few moments watching the sun slowly but surely advance from the horizons to introduce light. It’s a new day, a fresh start, a hopeful beginning. The mid-autumn sunrise that’s blooming amidst the pale blue skies becomes a witness of the blossoming romance between them. Inside the cramped space of Jaehyun’s car and the early morning air caressing their skin, their heartbeats are in syncopation, beating turbulently in anticipation for what the future has in store for them.</p><p>Jaehyun allows himself to look at Taeyong for longer. He yearns to touch him again even though they’re sitting close to each other and there’s nothing stopping him from doing so. There’s something about Taeyong that makes him want to approach him with caution, like he’s made of glass and he’ll shatter if Jaehyun grips too much.</p><p>“So, do <em>you </em>want to make this work?”</p><p>Taeyong bites his lip. His eyes are arresting. “To be honest, I do.”</p><p>“Then I’ll drive here again. I’ll do it over and over again if it means I get to see you each time.”</p><p>“What if it doesn’t work out? It might be crazy to admit this as early as now, but I don’t think you’re the kind of person who’s easy to forget or <em>un</em>-love,” he laughs humorlessly.</p><p>“We will never know if we won’t try. Do you want me?”</p><p>The warm touch of sunlight begins to infiltrate their space and knock on the windshield, curtaining their vision, but Taeyong takes his hand in his and intertwines them. “Yes. I want you, Jaehyun. I want to try.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Taeyong opens up a new world for him, one where it doesn’t revolve solely around work and home, a mere blur of monochrome days. It has become a norm for Jaehyun to drive an hour from Pohang to Ulsan every other day, wrap Taeyong in his arms at nights, and leave at the crack of dawn in time for his work with a flitting kiss on the older’s forehead. It’s taken a toll on his sleeping schedule but Taeyong puts his broken pieces back together each time.</p><p>Sometimes, he would come to Taeyong’s gigs together with their friends and watch him perform, remembering the night he first laid eyes on the beautiful man. He was immediately flagged down by Taeyong’s irresistible charm, that’s for sure. In times of vulnerability, he thinks about how he can never go back to the life he’s known before Taeyong came in and crashed down his resolve and independency with those tantalizing hands of his. It’s almost impossible to go back, not when he’s gotten the taste of what it feels like to be loved by Lee Taeyong.</p><p>Daybreak dates became their thing too, they would walk on Samsan Street holding hands and talking about everything and nothing. Those walks don’t have a particular destination in mind and sometimes they’re dotted with sneaky detours in corners and alleyways just to steal giggly kisses from each other. On their way back to Taeyong’s studio, they would pick up coffee and some pastry for breakfast in the same bakery that the older likes.</p><p>It’s domestic, it’s delicate, and Jaehyun can get used to it.</p><p>Winter comes with frosty wings, heartfelt smiles over hot cocoa, and icy dates across the streets of Nam District.</p><p>They’re huddled inside a cozy café, side by side facing the large window that has a direct access to the bustling crowd of the city life outside. People come and go in their view, some hurrying to their homes after a long day and some youngsters enjoying the night while it’s still young.</p><p>“Say, how many relationships have you had in the past before you met me?” Taeyong asks.</p><p>He pretends to think. “Our dates. How many is it now, again?”</p><p>“More than I can count,” Taeyong frowns at him, not quite getting his point. “Why did you ask?”</p><p>Jaehyun beams at him, complacent. He takes a spoonful of the chocolate cake he ordered. “Just making sure they were all dates, dream boat.”</p><p>Taeyong splutters, looking at him wide-eyed in disbelief. He pouts after. “You know, you could’ve just told me if you didn’t want to answer my question.”</p><p>“Hmm. The question you asked isn’t something one would normally ask in the first few dates, and since you’ve confirmed we already have dates more than you can count, then I can answer your question,” he teases, just for the lark. Taeyong doesn’t stop pouting still. “I was just messing with you, dream boat. Don’t be sad please or I’m gonna be sad too.”</p><p>“You scared me there. I thought I offended you,” Taeyong grumbles, stuffing his mouth with strawberry parfait.</p><p>He looks so small and cute in his beanie and it’s not helping that there’s an exaggerated pout on his lips. Jaehyun thinks he might collapse from too much giddiness like a teenager in the middle of the café. Taeyong and his damn duality he can never escape from. Not like he’s complaining, anyway.</p><p>“I was just kidding, baby. Here, have a piece of my cake. It’s really delicious.” He takes a moment to look at Taeyong happily munching on the dessert before he blushes completely. “Just one.”</p><p>Taeyong is taken aback, not quite believing. “Just one? With that face and personality, Jung Jaehyun?”</p><p>“Well, to be fair, we actually lasted through college. It was a pretty serious deal but we kind of just drifted apart when we started having our own jobs,” he shrugs. “The post-break up was anticlimactic. I was hurt but that didn’t really last long. I dedicated my time and attention solely for work and from then on, I kind of just… lost interest in dating, I guess. Well, that is until I met you, mister.”</p><p>“You’re a very sentimental one, aren’t you?” Taeyong laughs shyly.</p><p>Jaehyun catches a glimpse of his cheeks being painted with a soft flush before he pulls on his scarf higher to cover the lower part of his face. Cute.</p><p>“Let’s make it two, then.”</p><p>“Sorry, what?” he thinks he’s imagined it.</p><p>Taeyong’s words are a bit muffled by the scarf and he’s looking at everywhere but him.</p><p>“Okay, <em>God. </em>I’m so sorry, that was so random. You don’t have to—“</p><p>“Okay,” he interrupts gently.</p><p>There’s a ghost of a smile turning his lips upward which widens when Taeyong stares back at him, wide-eyed and astonished. He’s so pretty like this, shy and iffy and small, so affected by Jaehyun’s words. He wants to wrap him in his arms and put in him all the conviction the world can give.</p><p>“Yes, let’s make it official. Let’s be boyfriends, Taeyong,” he continues.</p><p>“Boyfriends,” Taeyong beams. “I like the sound of that.”</p><p>From beyond the window, the snow comes down into the city in a plodding pace, white and delicate and short-lived, meeting the ground with a gentle kiss. Taeyong falls in love with it.</p><p>“Thank you for opening up your heart to me. I know it’s not easy for you and I promise you won’t regret it,” Jaehyun says, placing an attentive palm on his thigh under the table.</p><p>Taeyong feels snug all over from the touch alone. “I know I won’t.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They’re strolling along the boardwalks of Taehwa River Grand Park with the sun hanging low on the sky, birds singing nearby, and the soothing sound of the flowing river. Taeyong had told him one day he wanted to visit the location in time for spring when the fertile land stretching along the river gets engulfed with various flowers in full bloom like poppies, cornflowers, canola, azaleas, and golden coreopsis, painting the terrain in harlequin.  </p><p>In Jaehyun’s heart, it’s spring too, and Taeyong’s hand entwined with his is the only flower growing on his land.</p><p>“It’s beautiful. I can walk here all day. Thanks for bringing me here, Taeyong.”</p><p>“I’m glad you’re the one I came here with,” Taeyong smiles up at him. “I’ve wanted to do this since forever. I used to walk here during spring with my mom before she left me and even though I’ve always wanted to go back here, I dreaded to actually do it, you know? It was in fear that I would re-open so many memories which I’ve struggled to bury for so long.”</p><p>Jaehyun tightens his hold. “It’s okay, you’re here and you’re smiling, and I’m here with you. I’ll continue holding your hand if it gets too painful.”</p><p>“Surprisingly, it’s not. I… I almost feel relieved.”</p><p>“Yong, you know it’s okay to let yourself think of your mom, all the good and bad times. It’s part of life. She was a part of your life and she will always be even if she’s not physically present. Your memories of her will live on, in these flowers, in this park, in <em>your </em>life<em>, </em>Yongie, and that’s completely fine. You don’t have to run away from them.”</p><p>“Thank you, Jae. I think you’re right. She was the best thing that happened to me and I’m glad I have these memories to hold on to in her absence, even the painful ones.”</p><p>“Anytime. And I’ll always be here to hold your hand, okay? Like this.” Jaehyun holds up their hands, still intertwined like the flowers standing tall in their prime at the fields, and kisses the back of Taeyong’s hand.</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“I mean it and I’m planning to keep it that way,” he smiles.</p><p>Taeyong’s other hand finds purchase on his arm as they continue to walk and he rests his head on the taller’s shoulder, snuggling his nose on the juncture and breathing in his scent that smells so much like safety and comfort. Jaehyun kisses his temple softly.</p><p>“I’m so glad I came here with you, Jaehyun. You’re perfect.”</p><p>“Well, have you seen yourself? You’re <em>more than</em> perfect to me,” Jaehyun counters teasingly.</p><p>Taeyong hits his arm with an adorable pout. “Just let me praise you in peace, baby, you don’t need to return it each time.”</p><p>“What if I want to?”</p><p>“Please. My self-esteem would shoot up the sky.”</p><p>“So what? You have every right to that. Seriously, have you looked at yourself, Lee Taeyong?”</p><p>“Oh my God!”</p><p>The sound of their laughter permeates through the surroundings, accompanying the sweet scent of spring nectar and the fresh air. In the distance from where they’re ambling on the ecological trail, they can see the wooden bridge that leads to the main white bridge which connects the two sides of the river. It’s calming and they enjoy being dwarfed by the ginormous sight of the structure.</p><p>Taeyong cranes his neck to gaze at Jaehyun for a moment too long, long enough for the taller to feel heat creep up his neck and ears.</p><p>“Look at the flowers, they’re in full bloom. You wouldn’t want to miss out on those just because you were looking at me,” he chuckles.</p><p>Taeyong shakes his head immediately. “Please, I’ve seen them countless of times already. Your face, however, I want to look at it over and over again. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired.”</p><p>“Well, coming from the most attractive man to ever walk on the face of the Earth, I’m flattered.”</p><p>“We can never hold a conversation without you spoiling my ego, can’t we?” the smaller deadpans, although there’s a fond smile adorning his lips.</p><p>“I’m afraid never,” he says as he boops their noses together before quickly stealing a kiss on the mouth. “I have a lifetime supply of praises for you, sweetheart.”</p><p>It’s nighttime when they drive back home, Taeyong behind the wheel and keeping Jaehyun’s hand close resting it on his lap.</p><p>It’s spring again but he doesn’t feel empty or sad because of his past. It doesn’t haunt him like it had been the following years after his mother had passed away. It’s spring again and Taeyong is holding someone’s hand and heart in his broken ones. It’s spring again and he can only see the real essence of springtime: growth, vibrancy, transcendence, love, and hope.</p><p>Jaehyun and him, they’re a fresh page on a notebook which precedes so many torn pages of trial and error, of loving and hurting. They’re a new page, a new story, one where Jaehyun holds his hand throughout as they both figure it out along the way, filling in the blanks as they go instead of writing the end from the beginning.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You look happy.”</p><p>Taeyong momentarily removes his gaze from the luminous nighttime view of Nam District to look at Johnny briefly. He has a lopsided, half tipsy smile on his face as if he knows something. He shakes his head before averting his gaze back to the city. Up here in his cousin’s balcony, drinking beers straight out from the bottle, the city looks small, like Taeyong can cover both opposite sides of the ends overnight if he wanted to.</p><p>“I <em>am </em>happy.”</p><p>“Is it Jaehyun?”</p><p>“Yeah…” he fiddles with the mouth of his bottle distractedly.</p><p>Johnny exhales a breath and the cold wind from the altitude takes it in their stride. “It’s almost a year now. I think this is the longest you’ve had. I’m glad things are working out for the both of you.”</p><p>“How long do you think until it doesn’t?” And there’s that, the question he’s been itching to ask is out in the open, confessed to the winds like a shy secret. The wind howls lowly, seeping through the strands of his hair and swaying them across his cheeks, as if it mourns for Taeyong’s grief.</p><p>“Taeyong… You’re getting ahead of yourself again.”</p><p>He shrugs nonchalantly. “You can’t blame me, John. You know I don’t have the best track record for relationships.”</p><p>“It’s because you leave them, Taeyong. You always do. You shut them out completely and leave them hanging just like that, like you’re purposely depriving yourself of nice things,” Johnny says all in one breath. Taeyong doesn’t respond so he continues, “You should put a little more faith in your relationship. I’ve known Jaehyun since freshman year in college and he’s not like that. He doesn’t play games. Don’t you trust him?”</p><p>Taeyong scarfs the rest of his drink like it’s water, leaving a trail of fire in his throat as an aftermath. It’s silent for a moment.</p><p>“Of course I do. On the other hand, I don’t trust <em>myself.</em>” Johnny sends a sharp glance in his direction. “I’m just scared, Johnny. It’s reflexive for me at this point.”</p><p>“Don’t you think it’s unfair to Jaehyun that you’re putting an expiry date on your relationship? No, it’s unfair not just to him but to you as well because you’re not allowing yourself to be completely happy.”</p><p>Taeyong curls in on his small frame, hugging his knees close to his chest to shield himself from the winds and the uncertainty coiling at his gut. “I mean, that’s all love ever does, right? You fall in and out of it. At least that’s the kind of love I only know of.”</p><p>“Taeyong…”</p><p>“What if we’re both playing the same cards and that he’s leading me on as well?”</p><p>“Just give it time, Tae. Give Jaehyun a chance to prove himself.”</p><p>Johnny whips out a cigarette stick from a packet and lights one. He takes a few drags, in and out, the burnt tip brandishing a glowing ember amidst the darkness that mimics the light of the city. The smoke smells stench but it’s alluring to the eyes in a way, the haze it creates masks the realm and Taeyong wants to hide behind it and be a coward.</p><p>“Sometimes, I wonder if it’s even worth to give it a chance, knowing I’ll break his heart in the end. I’m not staying in Ulsan forever. I’ll leave eventually.”</p><p>“I think your heart deserves to love without the clutches of your past or your big ambitions for the future holding you back. I can tell you both love each other so much,” Johnny says, his expression softening.</p><p>“More than I’ve ever loved anyone before,” Taeyong confesses, arms tightening around his knees. “And that’s what scares me the most. Jaehyun… He makes me rethink of my choices.”</p><p>Johnny nods but doesn’t say another word. Taeyong watches as the smoke gets carried away with the wind until there are no traces left in the air. It’s gone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>A year in and they’re sitting in the backseat of Jaehyun’s car parked outside the building of Taeyong’s studio. Early autumn begins to linger thick in the air, seeping through the fabric of their clothing to shake them under the skin. But the car is warm and Jaehyun’s hand under Taeyong’s sweater is warmer.</p><p>They just got back from a night out with their friends that lasted a little more than planned and drinks consumed a little more than intended. They’re kissing in the backseat like there’s no tomorrow, drowning in each other’s taste like a vice and drunk on a romance that’s way stronger than the drinks they’ve had in the bar.</p><p>“I’ve rented a place around here,” Jaehyun begins, and he says it so casually like it’s just a trivial matter.</p><p>Taeyong’s breath catches in his throat, nonetheless. He looks at him silently for a long moment, assessing the information, or maybe he’s just afraid his voice would waver when he speaks. “In Samsan Street?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Jaehyun… Isn’t it too expensive? It’s downtown Nam-gu. I can barely pay mine and it’s not even big, not to mention the building is as good as a run-down.”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter. I’ve saved enough to afford it, Yong, and I want to be as close to you as possible,” he flashes a cute dimpled smile. He lets his fingers walk on the outside of Taeyong’s palm that’s lying on the seat between them, playful and light, nervous but courageous.</p><p>Taeyong exhales a deep breath, intertwining their fingers together. He pokes his dimple. “Okay… You should show me your place sometime, hot shot.”</p><p>“Actually it’s not just my place, it’s <em>ours,</em> Taeyong. I want to live with you. Let’s move in together, baby. Please?”</p><p>Jaehyun cranes his neck to face him, staring at the other dead in the eyes. Behind him, the moon is glowing against a starless backdrop, its hands reaching all the way to the car’s window, shining upon the man and making him look like a dream. But Jaehyun is not a dream, he’s very much breathing and he’s asking to move in with him.</p><p>Jaehyun is not a dream and therefore, he’s not going to slip away from Taeyong’s grasp. He’s not going to vanish in a blink of an eye, leaving another heart break in its wake.</p><p>“Okay…”</p><p>“Okay?” he echoes.</p><p>“Okay, I’ll move in with you,” Taeyong laughs midway when the other starts attacking his face with soft presses of the mouth, leaving no patch of his face to be covered with tender kisses. He grips Jaehyun’s hand tighter. “In one condition, though.”</p><p>“Which is?”</p><p>“You’ll let me pay half of the rent.”</p><p>“Yong…”</p><p>“Jae, I don’t want to be a freeloader,” the older whines in his ear, nudging at their hands for emphasis.</p><p>“Don’t put it like that,” he laughs.</p><p>“Besides, we’re in this together, right? So let me pay the half,” Taeyong insists with finality. He pecks Jaehyun on one cheek with a wet kiss. “We’ll start packing my stuff tomorrow. You better help me with those.”</p><p>“I’ll carry the boxes for you. I’ll do the labor. I’ll be your submissive boyfriend. Anything,” he jokes, mirth filling his whole being.</p><p>Taeyong kisses his shoulder and buries his face there. Jaehyun still smells of the bar they went to but beneath that, he just smells like home, like Taeyong’s apartment, and he wonders when did he became synonymous with home.</p><p>But surprisingly, Taeyong likes the thought of it and he would be an idiot if he lets himself astray from home.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, I’m back,” Jaehyun announces from the door as he shrugs off his coat and toes off his boots.</p><p>“Hey, you.”</p><p>There are still a few boxes scattered around their new place which they haven’t touched yet. It’s been a hectic week for the both of them. Taeyong had taken up two gigs at the same time so he had to stay all day in the studio while Jaehyun had redirected a new job from a large corporation in Ulsan he was lucky enough to land, courtesy of Johnny.</p><p>“Sorry, it took long. I got stuck in the rush hour traffic. I think the food has gotten cold.”</p><p>“It’s okay, we can just reheat them, Jaehyunnie.”</p><p>Jaehyun walks further into the living area but he doesn’t see the man there. In the corner, one of the windows rattles against its frame and it flings open, letting the chilly autumn air into their apartment. He spots Taeyong in their balcony, an opened box to his side and kneeling on the floor.</p><p>He sets down the containers on the table and walks up to him with a pleased smile. He leans sideways against the door frame. “You’re wearing my jacket.”</p><p>“Mm. Maybe I missed you too much, baby,” Taeyong replies playfully, still preoccupied in whatever he’s doing.</p><p>“You literally asked me to pick up take out for us because you were too tired to cook and you didn’t want to go out either.”</p><p>“My mistake then. I should’ve come with you. Now come here and give me my kisses.”</p><p>The older makes grabby hands at him while puckering his lips like a child, impatient. Jaehyun’s eyes crinkle and he joins him on the floor after kissing him on the mouth and seizing another one on the temple which makes Taeyong giggle.</p><p>“What are these?” he asks. His gaze skims on the pieces of paper laid out on the floor in front of them, tattooed with charcoal sketches of various objects, scenery, and faces he only saw on the screen.</p><p>“Just some of my old stuff. I used to draw and paint back when I still haven’t figured that I wanted to dance for a living. Looking at these brings back so many nostalgic memories of my younger self. I didn’t know better then and I was more ambitious than I am now,” he laughs. “But I don’t regret where I am now.”</p><p>Jaehyun lets his fingers ghost over one of the sketches, careful and light, and admires Taeyong’s art in silence. The lines are sharp and precise but mellow on the places they’re supposed to. Everything Taeyong touches and every thought he sets his mind into becomes a work of art, like the love he presents to Jaehyun which no other art can ever amount to.</p><p>“They’re all really wonderful. You’re the most talented person I know,” he comments. “You should paint our walls, baby.”</p><p>“Really, you want me to?”</p><p>“Anywhere you please.”</p><p>“But I’m not sure if I’m as good as before,” Taeyong chuckles bashfully.</p><p>“Then we’ll have to see about that,” he replies, extending a hand out. “Come on, it’s cold outside and I’m starving.”</p><p>The smaller clings onto his arm as they amble towards their kitchen, barefoot despite the chilly autumn air lingering in their apartment like a fading hickey imprinted against pliant skin.</p><p>Taeyong rubs a warm palm against his exposed arm as if it’s become a subconscious effort to always make sure Jaehyun is in a better state. “Did you ask for an extra sauce for me, Jaehyunnie?”</p><p>“Of course, dream boat. Who do you take me for?”</p><p>“Husband material, I see.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Love is such a fragile thing. It’s limited and it’s earthly. It comes and it goes, slips from Taeyong’s hands like water in a sieve. Change is a constant thing in the world and for him, love is no different than that. Maybe he never really truly felt real love before. All his relationships were mere physical attractions and his desperate attempts to fill the ever gaping hole in his heart which stemmed from being orphaned from such a young age. No mother or father figure, no siblings. No one tells him what’s right or wrong, that you don’t treat people you love that way, or that love itself is very much real and attainable.</p><p>Loneliness isn’t a friend one would like to have. It’s cruel and it attacks him where it hurts the most. It knows his pain, his deepest insecurities, his realest fears. It whispers in his ears words that he never wanted to hear.</p><p>Taeyong had experienced his greatest love when he was still a child with crooked teeth and blessed obliviousness to the world around him. It was in his mother’s kind eyes, her safe arms, and her soft lips which spoke to him that someday, he can achieve whatever he dreamed of as long as he trusts himself more than what the world conspires to tell against him.</p><p>Her passing birthed to Taeyong’s diversion from love. He thought it was designed to just <em>not </em>last, to be temporary, to be changeable, even the greatest one. He feared that every person he comes to love would leave him in the end because that’s just how it is. His mother left, his father left too, so what makes it any different from the next person?</p><p>So Taeyong loved in a way he came to know how, in a way he resolved to. He left first, he always did before he can admit it to himself.</p><p>He rouses from the dull pit-pattering of the rain on the windows. Beyond them, Samsan Street is being covered by a torrential rain, weeping from the ominous, thick clouds hovering over the city brought by the incoming winter.</p><p>He’s still naked under the sheets but the bed is cold beside him. There’s no indentation or bodily warmth on the pillow which signifies the presence have long been gone.</p><p>He doesn’t panic. He knows there’s no reason to. Instead, he lays there in silence watching the rain take over the street outside. He feels for his surroundings; the faint smell of the soap that Jaehyun uses, the gloomy atmosphere brought by the weather, the strange tranquility that the sound of the rain brings mixed with the shower running, and the creaking of the floorboards from Jaehyun’s weight.</p><p>They had somehow made it a habit to memorize which of the floorboard creaks and which do not, and Taeyong smiles at the thought. Sometimes he would find Jaehyun walking around their apartment to religiously locate them and he would have the biggest smile on his face when he finds one. Jaehyun has the happiness of a child and he aspires that for himself too.</p><p>“What a bummer,” Jaehyun appears from the bathroom, a towel in his hands as he aggressively dries his hair. Another towel is wrapped around his waist. “I wanted to take you out on a date.”</p><p>“You didn’t tell me anything?”</p><p>“It was supposed to be a surprise but at this point, I don’t know if you’d still want to go out in this weather.”</p><p>“Mm. Let’s just wait until it calms down and we’ll see. The bed is really cozy though. Can’t we just have our date in bed?”</p><p>Jaehyun pouts adorably. “But I wanted us to go out. We’ve been so busy for the past few weeks, Yongie, and you deserve a little treat. I wanted to spoil you tonight. I even reserved a table for us.”</p><p>“Aww, you’ve been planning for this? The rain doesn’t matter then.”</p><p>The younger nods excitedly before he dashes off towards the closet. “Look, you should help me pick my outfit. You’ve got full control for tonight, baby.”</p><p>He doesn’t miss the way Jaehyun wiggles his eyebrows playfully to which he rolls his eyes on with a chuckle. “Can I ride you later then?”</p><p>“Sure but we’re not talking about sex positions right now,” Jaehyun laughs as if he didn’t just insinuate the same idea a second ago. He starts rummaging through his clothes.</p><p>“Okay. Fair enough,” he nods, sitting up on the bed and the motion causes the sheets to slide down his torso to expose it. He doesn’t bother covering them back up and leans against the headboard. “You got my complete attention now, dimpled boy.”</p><p>“How about this?”</p><p>“Didn’t you wear that shirt a few days ago?”</p><p>“Right. Okay. This one?”</p><p>“Maybe that’s a bit too fancy, baby. People would look. I don’t want that.”</p><p>“Okay, you jealous baby.” Jaehyun quickly walks to Taeyong’s side of the bed so he can land a chaste kiss on his mouth and another on his forehead. He pouts in concentration when he goes back to the closet. “I thought this would be an easier task though.”</p><p>“Jaehyun, I don’t care what you’re going to wear. You can literally walk in there wearing a pair of sweatpants and I would still think you’re the star in that restaurant.”</p><p>“Thank you, dream boat, but hush, I want this date to be extra special.”</p><p>Taeyong sits back and lets the man pick through his clothes again. A comfortable silence ensues in the space with the occasional sound of the rain knocking against the window, as if begging to be let in. He can lull himself back to sleep and take advantage of the peace if he wants to but he can’t stop staring at the broad expanse of Jaehyun’s back.</p><p>There’s nothing extraordinary about the situation, nothing grand or compelling, but he hears it anyway. The pacific throbbing of his heart amidst the stillness, the silent admiration, the pronounced steadfastness he feels for Jaehyun. They hit him all at once like intense waves crushing down on his shore.</p><p>Jaehyun turns around. “Hey, what about this? I think it would look good— Taeyong? Are you okay?”</p><p>“I just think I really love you, Jaehyun. Oh fuck, why am I crying? I love you,” he confesses breathlessly, voice trembling, overwhelmed.</p><p>It’s crazy how easily those three words slipped from his mouth when he had spent his whole life trying to put those into words. It’s crazy how he had never as far as proclaim such heavy words to someone before, knowing exactly what it entailed, or even as near as admitting the feeling to himself. But now, when those same words are directed to Jaehyun and for Jaehyun only, it just feels like it needed to happen. Like he’s meant to be saying those words to him for the rest of his life, or maybe from the moment they met.</p><p>Jaehyun sets down his clothes and in a second, he’s by Taeyong’s side, cradling his cheek and thumbing at his tears. He smiles tenderly at the man.</p><p>“I know, I know. Don’t cry, please. I know it, baby, okay? I love you too, so much.”</p><p>Taeyong can’t stop his tears, or the demon in his head from infiltrating his thoughts again, like a shadow that’s always there. “Oh God. Please never let me go, Jaehyun.”</p><p>“I won’t, Yong. Never.”</p><p>Jaehyun puts a hand on his bare chest right where his heart lies underneath, pushes him back onto the bed, and captures his lips passionately.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Johnny’s promotion party befalls like a knife to Taeyong’s throat.</p><p>It’s the summer which also marks Johnny’s sixth year of service in their company and he just got promoted as a Corporate Controller. It’s another milestone to the lives of Johnny and his longtime boyfriend, Ten, and the latter wouldn’t be himself if he doesn’t boast about his lover’s achievements by throwing one of their infamous house parties. Both of the couple are social butterflies in nature, and paired with the fact that their unit is spacious as hell, it didn’t come as a surprise to Taeyong that the party is crowded as hell too.</p><p>Taeyong, Jaehyun, and Ten are chatting in the couple’s kitchen sipping on red wine when Jaehyun’s gaze catches on something all of a sudden.</p><p>“Is that Sanghoon?”</p><p>Taeyong’s gaze automatically shifts to where Jaehyun’s is and he feels his breath get stuck in his throat when it lands on a man, seemingly no more than older than any of them, with a slicked back hair and polished suit and tie to complete the overall intimidating look. He suddenly feels small, the reason he doesn’t know.</p><p>“Who?” It’s Ten who asks, insouciant.</p><p>“Sanghoon? He was a senior in college but Johnny and I were pretty close to him. He helped us through a lot. He’s also my ex’s brother,” Jaehyun enthuses.</p><p><em>Oh. </em>At the mention of the ex, there’s an unnerving emotion that passes through Taeyong which makes him freeze on his spot. He strategically sips on his wine to hide his face there. He doesn’t know why he’s feeling so insecure and irrational. It’s totally normal to be glad to see a friend after such a long time but his mind wouldn’t listen.</p><p>“Oh, yeah. John probably invited him. All of his accountant friends, actually.”</p><p>“Would you guys mind if I go talk to him for a while?” Jaehyun asks to which Ten agrees to immediately. “Taeyong? Babe?”</p><p>“Uh, come again?” he blinks.</p><p>Jaehyun’s dimples pop out when he laughs. “I was asking you, baby, if it’s okay if I go talk to him.”</p><p>“Of course, Jaehyunnie. You don’t need to ask for my permission. Go ahead,” he replies in one breath with a forced smile.</p><p>“Okay. Be right back,” Jaehyun quickly kisses him on the forehead before he approaches the man.</p><p>Taeyong sighs.</p><p>“<em>God. </em>You’re so painfully obvious, buttercup,” Ten speaks softly.</p><p>He shakes his head vigorously. “I wouldn’t even try to deny that. Do you think he noticed it?”</p><p>“I don’t think so. He wouldn’t have gone if he did, right? But why are you jealous?” the other frowns, looking at him worriedly.</p><p>Taeyong tips his head back to finish off his glass. “I don’t know, Ten. It’s ridiculous but I can’t stop it.”</p><p>“He’s just talking to an old friend, Yongie. He’s not going anywhere, okay? Don’t be so stressed about it,” Ten comforts, placing his hand on top of the older’s resting on the countertop and rubbing gently at the knuckles. After a moment, he pours them a fresh batch of wine.</p><p>They clink their glasses together and Taeyong lets himself drown in it, staying silent until the sweet tinge aftertaste of the wine engulfs his throat. It calms the storm in his heart, albeit slightly. He bites his lip nervously. “But he said it’s his ex’s brother. What if… What if they contact each other again and Jaehyun would realize he’s better off with them and that I was just an obstacle along their way?”</p><p>Ten inhales deeply then softly, he says, “Listen to me, you’re overthinking again. You’re creating problems which don’t even exist in the first place. Stop that. It doesn’t do you or Jae any good. I tell you this all the time but trust yourself, Taeyong. That’s all you need.”</p><p>“Okay. I’m sorry,” he shakes his head again, shoots his friend an apologetic smile. “I made it an entire soapbox. Completely uncalled for.”</p><p>Ten just waves his hand in dismiss then he seems to remember something. He hurriedly sets his glass down. “Oh, I almost forgot about it. I have something to tell you.”</p><p>“Okay. Shoot.”</p><p>“So I know that a party isn’t the most ideal situation to tell you this but since Johnny and I will be away for two weeks and I don’t think this can wait any longer, I’m telling you now. So, like, there’s this regular of mine in one of my sessions who works for an entertainment agency in Seoul. Oh my God, she does the best <em>vrschikasana</em>, by the way. She asked if I knew any professional choreographers since their company wanted to hire new talents so naturally, I recommended you. It turned out that they searched your name and watched your performances on YouTube, Yongie. They gave me a calling card and asked if you can contact them soon.”</p><p>Taeyong gapes like a fish, stunned beyond words. “Are you for real? Is this really happening to me?”</p><p>Ten promptly pinches him by the waist and he jumps a foot into the air being the ticklish that he is. He retaliates by kicking his friend on the shin jokingly and they both giggle like children sharing kept secrets to each other.</p><p>“Oh my God! Thank you so much, Tennie, I really owe you my firstborn.”</p><p>“Um, no thanks,” Ten scrunches his face overdramatically. “Because ew, kids. In all seriousness though, this is it, buttercup, your big break. You should consider it.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>Taeyong looks across the room towards Jaehyun who’s still talking to the man, big smiles on their faces. He looks back to the times wherein he can only dream of the opportunity being presented to him now, of when he used to tell Johnny his fears of not making it, of his innumerable sacrifices for the sake of his goals and ambitions, of what his mom used to tell him when she was still alive.</p><p>He looks back to that indelible day in his studio, under the sheets and under Jaehyun’s intimate gaze, when he told him that nothing and no one can ever stop him from reaching those dreams. He remembers his promise; the very oath that now follows him like a bitter stain of a wine he couldn’t quite run away from. </p><p>He thinks about <em>Jaehyun.</em></p><p>He wonders if all of it will be worth it in the end.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Have you always had your life planned out for yourself?”</p><p>Taeyong is breathless on the floor when he asks this, skin sticky with sweat, shirt clinging onto his body like a second skin, and bones aching from exhaustion. The overhead lights of the dance studio shines just for him, a spotlight meant only for him, and beyond them where the shadows linger is Jaehyun sitting on the floor, leaning against one of the floor-to-ceiling mirrors.</p><p>He has called the agency and has talked about the details of the contract. Two years. In Seoul. The only thing that’s keeping his ambitions from being a reality is the green light from him.</p><p>“What do you mean, love?”</p><p>“Whenever I look at you, Jae, it seems like you’ve always had your life planned two steps ahead. Like you’ve got everything under your control and no hurdle can ever crush that resolve in you. I’ve always admired that about you. You took me in your stride and made me feel safe by extension. Like I can take on the world like you do, too,” he chuckles although his eyes start to burn with unshed tears. He doesn’t know what it is for.</p><p>“That’s not true, Yong,” Jaehyun’s voice is mellow, as if he’s afraid of breaking something so fragile. Maybe it’s Taeyong’s conviction. “Not everything I wanted went my way, even now, and it doesn’t have to work like that either. But that’s not something you should be afraid of because that’s just how life works for everyone. That’s how we learn to reinvent ourselves, to gain experiences outside from what we originally planned for ourselves. What’s important is how you take it. Whether you let it defeat you or you keep close the things you’re striving for.”</p><p>“But what if I push them away? Does that make it a bad decision?”</p><p>“We don’t make bad or wrong decisions, love. We make what we think is best for ourselves.”</p><p>The silence that follows is loaded yet no one dares to speak again. Taeyong turns to his side to the direction where Jaehyun is sitting, swimming in darkness which leaves no room for discernment. Taeyong stares and stares as if he’s terrified the other would pop like a bubble any second. He’s near yet he seems so far away, so unreachable and distant, like time is mocking Taeyong of what’s to come next.</p><p>“Jaehyun?” he hears the man hum in response. “Would you ever hate me?”</p><p>“I can never do that, Taeyong.”</p><p>Taeyong blinks back the tears threatening to spill. “Good because me too.”</p><p>He wordlessly extends his hand out into the darkness and like a beacon of light to his happy ending, Jaehyun is there in no time to intertwine their fingers together.</p><p>“Let’s go home, dream boat. You’ve worked hard today.”</p><p>People sometimes ask for divine signs to point them towards the right direction of their true and long lasting love. For them, those signs manifest in the familiar streetlights that lined the roads of Nam District all the way to Samsan Street. They all point towards the apartment they share together, their <em>home</em>. And in nights like this when all seems hard and Taeyong thinks of letting go of Jaehyun’s hand, the streetlights point in arrowheads to lead them home once more.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jaehyun wonders where he did wrong.</p><p>He wonders why he had to hear Taeyong’s decision from Johnny rather than Taeyong himself, <em>if</em> he even deserved to hear it from Taeyong. He just wants to know the reason why he keeps on pushing him away even though all he wanted was to hold Taeyong’s hand through it all. He wants to know why he never fully trusted him despite his best efforts of transparency and faithfulness.</p><p>Jaehyun comes home to an empty apartment.</p><p>There’s no Taeyong. His stuff are also missing, like a once in a lifetime experience that Jaehyun isn’t allowed from anymore because he’s had his chances, and it’s painful to bear because you never really forget the memories that come along with it. In that moment, Jaehyun feels like his heart is missing too. Taeyong took it with him when he left.</p><p>He suspects it’ll be the kind of brokenness that time can never really mend, even if most says it’s the ultimate healer. It’s simply irreparable and that’s a fight he lost from the very beginning.</p><p>He’s shaking and he doesn’t have a single fucking clue of what to do next. Does he leave Taeyong alone to chase after his dreams or does he choose to be selfish for once? He doesn’t know, but one thing’s for sure is that his decisions are always in favor of Taeyong, never himself. Maybe he’s brought this upon himself because he never once asked, just gave, gave, and gave.</p><p>Taeyong is haste and uncertainty. He’s a blurry future; a treacherous ground. Jaehyun should’ve known. No, he’s known all along, but he chose to not acknowledge it in hopes that he can be the person who can irrevocably change Taeyong’s perception about real love — that it exists in Jaehyun. That Taeyong doesn’t need to walk away from it anymore.</p><p>He calls him. It rings and rings until it finally connects on the fourth try. He breathes.</p><p>“<em>Jaehyun.</em>”</p><p>“Taeyong! Please let’s talk. Please, baby.”</p><p>“<em>Jaehyun, I</em>—“</p><p>“Please let’s talk, Taeyong. Let’s fix this. Don’t you think I deserve better than this? Please, let me see you one more time,” he pleads.</p><p>There’s a long stretch of silence that travels throughout both ends of the line that has Jaehyun in fear and trepidation. When Taeyong speaks again, it sends a shiver down his spine.</p><p>“<em>Okay. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll come to you… Jae.</em>”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Maybe it’s best that they agreed to talk in the rooftop of the building. Not in their apartment where they can easily suffocate from the ache they put on each other.</p><p>They sit on the cold floor of the roof as the setting sun bathes the city in a mixture of yellow, orange, pink, and red hues. It’s another completion of a day and another evident of the passage of time. It’s the calm, the reassurance, the hope. It’s time for Ulsan to end the day and take a break but Jaehyun feels the opposite.</p><p>Beside him, Taeyong’s face is painted golden from the rays of the fading sunlight which cradles his face like a beloved. Jaehyun still thinks he was born to have the whole world be at the mercy of his feet and he would be at the front kneeling for Taeyong.</p><p>Lee Taeyong is beautiful but he’s a ferocious dagger lodging in Jaehyun’s chest.</p><p>“I heard from Johnny.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hide it from you. I was just so scared to tell you.”</p><p>“So you chose to leave me instead. Is that what you thought would be better? To walk away just like that?”</p><p>Taeyong takes a deep, shuddering breath. “I know it was wrong but that was the only way I could think of. That was the only way I’ve known. I didn’t want you to beg me to stay because I’m not going to do that so I left. I didn’t want to hurt you, Jae.”</p><p>“Taeyong, you’d hurt me either way so you could’ve at least told me about it. I wasn’t going to stop you. I just… I tried so hard for you to trust me and include me in your plans because I wanted to be with you in the future that you envision for yourself. I always knew that I would support you in whatever decision you make because I love you and I’ll always be here no matter what. I tried so hard to convince myself, Taeyong, that we were in the same page but I guess we never really were because you kept pushing me away. Just… Why won’t you trust me, Taeyong?”</p><p>The first of his tears fall as soon as he finished baring his heart out, stripping it off with thoughts he’s been meaning to confront to Taeyong, of words he’s been meaning to let out for the sake of his own self. Taeyong wordlessly pulls him into him and Jaehyun doesn’t hold back emptying his pain until he soaks the front of the other’s shirt.</p><p>“What have I done to you, Jaehyun? I’m so sorry.”</p><p>The last remnants of the light dispels from the horizons, replaced by a gnawing dusk of starless skies. Taeyong holds him through it until he calms down.</p><p>“Jaehyun, remember when you told me that not even you can stop me from reaching for my dreams? I’ve come to realize that you were wrong all along.” He feels the comforting weight of Jaehyun’s head against his shoulder and that gives him the courage to push through. “For so many months, I thought of leaving you behind because I was afraid of being left. But when I finally did, I came back. I just couldn’t let you go.”</p><p>“Thank you for coming back to me, Taeyong,” Jaehyun whispers softly like the gentle breeze that caresses their skin. It feels like coming home after an exhausting day at the studio and Jaehyun is waiting for him. Always.</p><p>“I’m not leaving you again, Jae. I promise that. I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“Hmm. Remember when you told me not to let you go?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he smiles.</p><p>“Can I kiss you, Yong?”</p><p>“I’ve been waiting for you to say that, actually,” he teases.</p><p>Jaehyun smiles so wide his eyes crinkle. Everything about him is truly endearing. “You should’ve told me earlier then, dream boat.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The car ride to Ulsan Airport is bittersweet.</p><p>Jaehyun kisses the back of Taeyong’s hand religiously every minute as they wait in the departure lounge, like he’s putting a permanent mark of his lips there. It’s for souvenir, he said to which Taeyong laughed, for when you get too lonely in Seoul.</p><p>“I can’t believe I’m leaving Ulsan for two years,” Taeyong pouts.</p><p>“Is it only Ulsan? I think you’re forgetting someone,” he goads lightheartedly.</p><p>“Okay, I’m gonna miss you too, baby. More than Ulsan. Happy?”</p><p>“Yes but also not,” he sighs, hand tightening around Taeyong’s. He’s dreading for this moment to come but at the same time he’s happy for his baby. “But I love you and I’m gonna drive there as much as I can, okay? 367 kilometers and a four-hour drive is nothing if I get to hold you.”</p><p>“I love you too. I’m seriously the luckiest.”</p><p>“And you’re the best, Yongie.”</p><p>Taeyong pouts again and he’s so tempted to kiss the hell out of it, if only they aren’t in the middle of a freaking airport. “Two years is a long time, though. We’re both gonna be so lonely.”</p><p>“Hey, I guarantee you you’ll have the best time of your life pursuing your ambitions in Seoul and I’m gonna be so proud of you,” he assures. “Oh, dream boat, Seoul is not ready for you.”</p><p>“Thanks, baby. I think I have more than enough confidence to take on Seoul for the next two years now.”</p><p>“That’s the spirit,” he laughs as he eagerly tousles Taeyong’s hair like an unruly child. “Besides, it’s just time and distance. We’re so much bigger than that, yeah?”</p><p>Taeyong beams brightly at him and really, that’s all the reward he needs. “Of course.”</p><p>When he escorts Taeyong to the main departure area, he doesn’t hold back on kissing him on the mouth. It’s short but sweet, quick but meaningful and enough. It doesn’t taste like a good bye, it tastes like a new beginning; a sacred new beginning for the both of them.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Time can be a compelling wonder for a specific place to bend for as it passes, but two years later, Samsan Street is still the same from how Taeyong remembers it to be. The same buildings, same shops, same sidewalks, same corners. Samsan Street is still the same street which brought pain to him years ago, but it is also the street which gave him the love of his life.</p><p>“Are you hungry?” Jaehyun asks while he unfastens his seatbelt. The car is parked right outside their apartment.</p><p>“Yeah, I think we should eat. It’s lunch time.”</p><p>“Okay. Just let me put your stuff inside and then I’ll cook for you, yeah?” Jaehyun quickly lands a peck on his forehead but before he can grab for the door, Taeyong stops his movements.</p><p>“I missed you, Jae. It feels truly good to be back. Thank you for waiting for me,” he smiles.</p><p>“Welcome home, Taeyong.” Jaehyun captures his lips briefly before he steps off the car to retreat Taeyong’s belongings from the trunk.</p><p>Taeyong steps out too, the early autumn sun greeting his face like an old friend, and watches Jaehyun disappear behind the doors of the lobby. A gentle smile makes its way to his lips.</p><p>He thinks back to his past, when he had his heart break so many times just because he was afraid to love. He thinks back to his mom and silently tells her that he’s made it, but it’s only the start of it all. That he’s able to finally trust himself, not the things he’s afraid of or his doubts.</p><p>Jaehyun has taught him to love in the middle of the worst. He taught him to love despite having his fears, his flaws, his nightmares, his demons; to love regardless of being broken and imperfect; to be able to love in the face of uncertainties but not letting go of the other ever; and to love above the test of time and distance yet remaining tall in the end.</p><p>Taeyong has found his greatest love once again. It’s in the way Jaehyun paints Ulsan another color for him, something vibrant, happy, and sanguine. It’s in the way he smiles brilliantly at him when he steps back out of the building and holds his hand on the street as they walk inside their apartment Taeyong hasn’t set foot in since he came to Seoul.</p><p>“Let’s get you inside, dream boat.”</p>
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